Habits are a lot tougher to beat than you'd think.

Let's face it: I'm fat. It's something I've been coming to terms with for most of my life, and I have so many issues surrounding and involving it that sometimes I feel overwhelmed. Merk worries about me - both for my physical and mental health. He sees the difficulties I have going out and meeting strangers, especially those connected with his work. For years, he's told me that he just wants me to be healthy and happy, and we still have discussions and difficulties arising from this theme a few times a year.

There was a trip I took to take Merk lunch six months ago, when I asked to see the gym on base. We were about to get out of the car when I suffered a panic attack. Needless to say, we didn't go in.

I recently took an airplane ride from the other side of the country where the seats were 17.2" wide. Get a ruler and take a look at how big that actually is - a lot of people will fit that. I pretty much didn't. It was horrifyingly embarrassing. A six hour plane ride feeling like a hippopotamus stuffed in a clown car, feeling sorry for the poor German man sitting next to me. He was very kind about it, but it didn't stop me from feeling horrible.

It is really tough to change a bad habit, especially when it's one you've been propagating for over 10 years. Especially when it's one that you've been trying to ignore.

I go for walks a few times a week, but it hasn't changed much. I try to eat well, but it never seems to be well enough to make a change. There was a brief time that I had scheduled sessions with a personal trainer - I was loyal to going to them until I got the super cold from Hell and could barely move. It's hard to work out when every two minutes you're hacking so hard that people are concerned you have the Black Plague.

I'm trying to change the bad habits again, and it's a day-to-day struggle. Today was day one of going to the gym - it's further than I'm really comfortable going, but it's open 24 hours a day so I can go at 2am when there's no one there. We'll see how I manage this time, but there are no guarantees.